After the failure of my FET through miscarriage, I spent the next couple of weeks essentially wanting to just lie in bed.
I didn’t really want to do a single thing, and yet I went on holiday for two weeks to try and get away from it all…. and it worked, for a bit. However, we then got back from holiday – I went back to work full time and everything just crumbled!
I spent a good few days in bed, not really doing much at all and feeling more and more terrible and in a slump. Sleeping tablets prescribed by the doctor, along with a course of CBT for depression. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t really want to speak to anyone, it was really tough.
My mum came and helped out which made a huge difference, and actually allowed me to rest properly rather than worry about my little boy, the housework and my job.
After some soul searching, and long talks with my boss, husband, mum and dad I came to some conclusions:
- The most important thing to us is our son. He is number one. He is our little magical miracle ball of energy and light, and although he can drive me CRAZY (temper tantrums earlier today made me want to abandon him in a bush) I love him to bits. I’m going to spend more time with him, and enjoy him more by removing other worries in my life.
- The second most important thing to us, at the moment, is having another baby. We really want one! It may sound selfish, and some may think that we should just count our blessing and be satisfied to have one child, but to us it’s important to “complete” our family. The feeling is different than when we went through fertility treatment before – I am a mum now which does make it easier, for me, a lot of the time. However there is also an element of knowing how it feels to be pregnant, knowing how it feels to hold a tiny little life in your arms – and thinking you might never be able to have that again. It’s a different feeling and I can’t say honestly that it’s less hard to deal with. Therefore the plan is to progress with the next FET when my period comes naturally, which from the cramping I’m feeling is due any day now. Same plan as the last FET, a month on the pill and then the busreslin, prognova and cyclogest to get me to to the stage to meet my last blastocyst. If this cycle doesn’t work…. well, we’ll take it step by step.
- My job is stressful! I’m honestly not sure I can do it full time, with a toddler and IVF. My boss agreed that last week I would work half days, and then slowly ramp my hours up week by week. I feel she wants me there, and I certainly want to work if I can. They can’t, however, accommodate me part time indefinitely – so I’ve decided to play it by ear. If it gets to the stage where I can’t work the ramped up hours then it may be career break time, or a part time job, until we’re “done” with the IVF. It’s a pretty scary thought, as who knows how long this could take to have another baby (or if it will ever work!) and who knows if I’ll be able to return to work after a break, but I know I don’t want to look back and blame stress at work for the reason things fail.
So there we are… I’m back on the horse, I’m feeling better (most of the time!) and I’m learning that sometimes it’s OK to not have a plan and to play it by ear. Sometimes! xx