Flatline

Scan at 6 weeks 3 days. Gestational sack… tick. Yolk sack… tick.

However the lady doing the scan couldn’t see the embryo or a heartbeat. Nada. Nothing. Flatline.

I don’t really remember anything the nurse said after that. Something about the gestational sack being a bit small for 6 weeks but it didn’t sink in. There was some attempt at reassurance that sometimes the embryo is a bit slow and I need to have scan in a weeks time, then they will know for sure. A lot of talk about how I must keep taking the cyclogest and the progesterone tablets. To be honest, I feel like its all a load of tripe and they do know for sure, and are keeping me in this weird limbo state where I’ve got these vague pregnancy symptoms but no hope just to protect themselves in the rare case that it’s not a miscarriage.

I feel like a knew before the scan – suddenly leading up to it I got very very emotional (I didn’t last time). Night sweats and mild sickness I’ve been having were slightly better yesterday, which added on means there is very little hope.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday which quickly turned positive so I was encouraged by that, but reading up now for a missed miscarriage your body does keep producing hormones for a bit, sometimes a long time afterwards. My boobs have been mega tender today… shut up boobs you are in denial!!! Stupid boobs.

I’m grieving. I keep telling myself that at least I’ve got a lovely little boy to cuddle, but I still need to grieve this potential life that ended way before it had even really begun. I had tried not to get excited, but of course like anyone I had started thinking about names, life with him or her, the challenges and the joys to come.

too emotional to type more now, love to all and hope all of you have better news than me today xx